Sunday, June 24, 2012

Crossfit, Bodybuilding, and Getting Girls to Sleep With You

As many of you know, I've been crossfitting for a good while now, and I love it.  It's given me a completely new outlook on fitness; I have a much more performance-based mentality than I used to.  Whereas I used to care mostly about having nice pecs and biceps (curls for the girls), I now concern myself with more worthwhile goals, like lifting heavy shit over my head, doing lots of pullups, and training my body to move the way it's designed to move.  Sure, looking good naked is a nice side effect, but that's not why I do it.  For simplicity, here's a short summary of the differences between crossfit and what everyone else is doing...

Crossfit approach:  Performance oriented.  Get faster and stronger.  Do fundamental exercises like squats, deadlifts, and presses, which will produce strength that translates into real life activities.  Do more work in less time, use proper form, and train your body to be an athletic machine.  Build strength, power, endurance, and athleticism. 

Bodybuilding/general gym approach:  Work out to look good.  Do silly things like bicep curls and leg extensions.  Use the elliptical machine for cardio.  Work your muscles groups individually, in isolation from the body as a whole.  Whack off to yourself in the mirror.  

And now that I have this new crossfit mentality, I have to admit... I'm a little embarrassed.  I'm embarrassed because for so long, my only motive for working out was to look good; I can't believe I was ever so vain.  And this is, in my now older and wiser mind, not the way to look at fitness.  It gives me and everyone else in the performance realm a bad name... including crossfitters, power lifters, track athletes, endurance athletes, and anyone else who has real, substantial goals that aren't rooted in narcissism.  Unfortunately, most avid gym-goers are still stuck in this bodybuilding mentality, only working out for aesthetic purposes, to look good for others.  In other words, they're not doing it for themselves... they're doing it for other people.  And here's what's wrong with it.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bacon Ice Cream, Counting Fat, and Shut the F Up

A couple of things have been irritating me on this Thursday morning.  First, the clouds.  Today was supposed to be sunny, at least according to my iPhone.  I was planning on spending the morning outside and soaking up some vitamin D.  Thank you iPhone for lying to me, and thank you clouds for being sons of bitches.  Secondly though, is Burger King's new Bacon Ice Cream Thingy.  Who in holy hell came up with this thing?  Bacon on ice cream?  That's retarded.  But do you want to know what's even more retarded?  The author of that article's concern about the fat content of the Bacon Ice Cream Thingy.  Oh my god, 510 calories and 18 grams of fat!  That's even more than a bacon cheeseburger! (Her claim, not mine, that's a little hard to believe honestly.)  Sure, she mentions the 61 grams of sugar, but she stressed the fat.  They always stress over the fat.  And I'm sick and tired of it.  There's no reason for it.  Just shut the F up. 

You see, everyone's got this phobia of fat making them fat.  They think that if they eat the fat on that pork chop, or put butter on their potato, or drink whole milk, that they'll get fat.  That's not how it works.  Fat in the diet doesn't make you fat any more than other calories do.  In fact, natural fats are very satiating, and would probably even help you eat less and lose a couple pounds.  There are a lot of reasons someone might gain weight.  Eating fat isn't one of them.  Neither is eating carbohydrates or protein.  Eating too many total calories on the other hand... will get you nice and fat.  Focusing on one particular nutrient completely misses the bigger point.  What makes us fat is not carbs or fat per se...  but if I had to design a food to make you fat, I would design exactly this Bacon Ice Cream Thingy.  Are you confused yet?  I think I may have confused myself there.  The Bacon Ice Cream Thingy WILL make you fat.  But it's not because it has 18 grams of fat, or because it has 61 grams of sugar.  It's because it's loaded up with so much hyperpalatable goodness that you'll eat the whole frickin' thing even if you're not hungry.

Monday, June 4, 2012

5 Reasons I Don't Like Veganism

What do I want for dinner... lamb or anemia?
Let me first say this.  I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians; I respect everyone's dietary choices.  I have a lot of friends who are vegan/vegetarian, and, aside from the occasional accusation that I murder animals (kidding), we get along just fine.  They eat their veggie burgers, I eat my grass-fed beef burgers; they run their marathons, I do my Crossfit; they poke fun at Dr. Oz, and I, well, poke fun at Dr. Oz.  See... we're not so different after all.  Having said that though, based on my research I can't imagine a situation where I would recommend a vegan diet to anyone.  That's vegan, not vegetarian.  Vegetarians typically eat dairy and eggs, vegans don't eat any animal products.  It's the vegans I'm talking about here (although some of this applies to both) .  So without further ado, here are 5 reasons why I don't like veganism.

1.  Humans are not herbivores.
This myth just won't go away.  Every once in a while I get this argument from some fool trying to justify a vegan diet as the best diet on the planet.  It typically sounds like this... "You know some people think humans are carnivores, but they're not.  They're herbivores."  There's so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin.  Okay first of all, nobody thinks humans are carnivores.  We're clearly not.  But we're not herbivores either.  This argument completely neglects the fact there is another option:  an omnivore, which eats both plants and animal foods.  Humans are most definitely biological omnivores.  Just look at our teeth... mostly flat like herbivores (think about a cow's teeth) but with a few canines like carnivores (think of a cat).  Then there's our digestive system... it's definitely nothing like that of an herbivore.  Here's a picture of a cow's digestive tract: